Darth Vader’s Guide to Dog Sleeping on the Death Star
By Ralph
*NOTE: Please read this post in your best James Earl Jones voice. Ready. Set. GO!
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….
A NEW Hope – For Sleep
It is a period of unrest.
Rebel spaceships, striking
from a hidden napping location, have won
their first victory against
the evil Galactic Empire and the Storm Poopers
- resulting in sleepless nights for
the inhabitants of the DEATH STAR, especially
the anxiety-driven storm poopers.
During the battle, Rebel
spies managed to steal secret
plans to the Empire’s
ultimate weapon, the DEATH
STAR Nap Pod, causing even more
Angst and sleepless nights for Darth Vader and his crew.
Pursued by the Empire’s
sinister agents, Princess
Lay-around races home aboard her
starship to Luke Dogwalker and
The group of rebels to plan their
Attack on the DEATH STAR Nap Pod….
It has been a dark time. Luke Dogwalker and Princess Lay-around are intent to disrupt my peace *kuush phhrrr* and the rest of my loyal servants, the Storm Poopers *kuush phhrrr*. The Storm Pooopers are plagued by nightmares of Princess Lay-around and Luke Dogwalker as they seek out to destroy our beloved DEATH STAR Nap Pod. The Nap Pod, when complete, will be the answer to all our sleep problems and will allow us to overcome our enemies through the power of SLEEP! *kuush phhrrr* We will simply throw our enemies in the Nap Pod and take over while they peacefully dream. What you thought I was going to kill them? No way, I am very misunderstood. Dogwalker and Lay-around have been on a public relations mission to mis-represent my true colors so they can seem more gallant than they are. *kuush phhrrr* Sure we are seeking not only world domination, but universe domination – maybe even beyond that….whatever that means. The point is I want it all, and the power of the Nap Pod is the key to my success. *kuush phhrrr*
The Storm Poopers are getting no rest. Their anxiety is at an all-time high *kuush phhrrr*. I tried the pheromone plug ins *kuush phhrrr*, I sang them Soft Kitty, we drank nighty night tea, all to no avail. I encouraged them to vanquish their nightmares by yelling at them…”(nightmare!) There is no escape. Don’t make me destroy you. Luke… I mean nightmare… you do not yet realize your impact on my beauty sleep. You have only begun to discover your power.” The pep talk didn’t work. The Storm Poopers are really quite gentle and ill-equipped to vanquish anything. *kuush phhrrr*
In an effort to sooth the Storm Poopers I have created this “Guide to Sleeping on the DEATH STAR” to try to help them:
- The Father Issue. Don’t worry about who your father is. *kuush phhrrr* all this talk of who is whose father, don’t worry about it. Let your mind be free and go into a meditative state, let your mind be free. *kuush phhrrr*
- Give Yourself to the Dark Side. *kuush phhrrr* Stop. Really. *kuush phhrrr* I am talking about sleep here, not the evil “dark side”. Let the sleep take you – stop fighting it!
- Outfit Your Sleep Quarters. I know the DEATH STAR accommodations aren’t always the most luxurious. *kuush phhrrr* After a series of complains from the Storm Poopers that were left in the cafeteria comment box, we have mad the decision to make a big change. *kuush phhrrr* All Storm Pooper Sleep Quarters will now be outfitted with UnderDog Dog Beds. *kuush phhrrr* You can all quit your complaining now. *kuush phhrrr* We heard you “flat beds give us night terrors about Luke Dogwalker”, “pressure points make us thinking about Princess Lay-around throwing us in her dungeon”. Got it. *kuush phhrrr* Problem solved – you all have gravity-defying comfort clouds to rest on now.
- Adopt a New Routine. *kuush phhrrr* I, Darth Vadar, solemnly swear not to hold any staff meetings after 7 PM. I hear that doing anxiety-producing work before bedtime is a bad idea. *kuush phhrrr* Instead we will practice visualization exercises of when we RULE THE GALAXY!
- Scratch Therapy. If this guide still isn’t working we have assigned a job to our new prisoner, Han Scratcher. He will scratch your back until you fall asleep. *kuush phhrrr*
Congratulations Storm Pooper, you have completed your sleep training. Impressive. Most impressive. I have taught you well. You have controlled your fear. Now, release your anger and find rest. *kuush phhrrr* Remember…you don’t know the power of the dark side.
